One of my favorite memories from Siberian winter is walking in the dark, listening to the crispy snow under my feet and looking at big fluffy snowflakes in the cones of light from the streetlamps.

Tonight rain in the light of streetlamps looks almost like snow :)

We landed in Atlanta early morning of the 3rd of July.

Sunshine and blue sky, how beautiful!
Funny palms - so tall and so thin.

I'm nervous a little - we have only 2 hours before the flight to Phoenix and I have to go through the immigration process.
The guy at the desk doesn't look to be in a hurry. Slowly, one after one he is taking my papers from the envelop, loooong time looking at them and typing something in his computer. I almost can't understand what he's saying, seeking help, looking for Kirez's eyes... Seems he thinks that I don't speak English at all, he speaks with Kirez instead, explains him what those papers I'm signing are. Fingerprints and we can go.

Hey, I'm in America!!!

Waiting for the flight, playing with the thought that I'm in America.

America... I never dreamed about it. It happened and I'm happy to be here. I'm realizing that I don't have any special expectations, I just like it, because it's my new home.

In Phoenix Kirez's mom and Grandma are waiting for us. They are happy, and so nice to me. And I want to be nice too. I don't know what to say and I'm not sure they understand me. But everything seems to be fine :)

CACTI! The same cacti that I had when I was little girl, but hundreds and hundreds times bigger. Childish smile and I want to laugh - it's so cool :)

We went to cafe to meet with Kirez's aunt, then slept, then went to the store to buy the phones, then swam in the pool and finally back home and sleep... Too much for one day. Tomorrow we're leaving.

I received it today in mail - my Permanent Resident Card.

I'm so happy :)

--

1 month ago we were leaving Oman. Week before the departure date Kirez received a call from his employer - someone will meet us at the border to help with canceling our visas. Cancel my visa? It will be a problem...
As a russian I can't get into the UAE without visa. Being a resident of Oman AND being a doctor let me apply for the special kind of entry permit which can be issued right at the border. If they are going to cancel my resident visa for Oman BEFORE I will enter the UAE, I won't be able to enter the country. I was sure about this. It took me a while to assure Kirez.

- No, you absolutely can not cancel her visa
- No problem, no problem...
- There WILL be problem, you CAN NOT cancel it!
- No problem...
- You MUST NOT do this!

They raised a great buzz, started running all over the place, and finally stamped "CANCELLED" on top of my visa, accompanying it with usual parroting 'no problem, no problem, no problem'.

The man who was with us quietly sneaked away as soon as Kirez said that now he had to go with us and explain to the UAE side what has happened. We were left alone. Stuck in between of 2 countries.

Of course they didn't let me into the UAE. We didn't manage to talk our way through - the arabs all of a sudden became even more stubborn than always. NO, and this was their final answer. The explanation, that the airplane leaving in several hours and we're leaving the Gulf forever, didn't have any effect n them. No.
And what were we to do?

I wish I had this little plastic card that I've got today back then! Oh, how I wish I had it... It would save me from the most painful experience of interacting with Russian Government I've ever had :( Painful - because when your country turning your back to you in such situation, you understand fully that they don't need you, that you're nothing for them. For the state.

I didn't want to call Russian Embassy. I knew I won't get any help, and I wanted to keep the hope that maybe they would help.

Kirez was first. He called American Embassy and explained our situation. They started working immediately, even though I was not their citizen. They were trying to find solution for me, they were looking for the ways.

Then I called Russians...
On the 3rd or 4th time someone finally responded to my call. As usual, listened to what I had to say and sent me to 'someone else'. This someone else asked only one question:
'So, you are NOT in the UAE yet?'
'No, I cannot enter the UAE, we stuck in between 2 borders, and that's why I need your help'
'If you're not in the UAE call someone else. Good bye'

I managed to hold him on line for a little while longer. Just asked why the americans are trying to help me even though I'm just a wife of their citizen, and Russians are turning their back to me? For what I've got great response: "So they are trying to do something? God help them, god help them..."

I wanted to cry.

--

It took us 3 hours of passing back and forth between two borders, talking, warning, pleading, but finally we made it through - Omani side reissued the resident visa for me right on the spot (extraordinary situation) and with this visa, being a GCC resident again, I finally had rights to get UAE visa. 3 hours later than expected, we were on the road to the airport. 200 kph, to be in time for the airplane.

We are in Texas, in Wichita Falls now and we're fairly excited about moving here in the beginning of August. I like the city. It's not like the cities I'm used to in Russia - it's low and spread out. And it looks very nice  and clean, with a lot of trees. I think I will like living here :)
The gym is perfect, the best we could dream of! A lot of work to be done, but with this gym we can focus on management and training stuff, and on our sometimes crazy ideas, without thinking that we need to buy another piece of equipment, scrape money for the rent and so on.
We found a little house to rent and this is also exciting - I can't wait to move in and start turning this house into our home.

Tomorrow we're leaving Texas, going to Phoenix and then to California, to be back here by the 1st of August.

It's been almost 10 days since we're here, in the US. Wonderful time! It's so interesting, everything is so different, so new, so many things to see, to learn. I'm overwhelmed with emotions and feelings. And I'm happy :)

Joshua asked me to describe America in 2-3 adjectives, and all I could think about were 'big and beautiful'. I honestly didn't expect to be so stunned by the beauty of the nature of the New World continent :) I loved the desert of Arizona, I loved Californian countryside, I loved Pacific, I loved Monterey and Carmel, I loved mountains in New Mexico and Texas prairies... Simply looking at the huge endless sky makes me incredibly happy. I smile like a child - I missed blue sky with islands of clouds :)

I will write a lot more, starting from the very first day, as soon as we have just a little bit more time. Now I just want to say thank you to all of you who are with me on this full of adventures route, to those, whom I already met and will meet soon, to those, whose support and kindness turn these days in a great experience of my life :)

Russia - Netherlands

               3:1

We are in a semi-final!

For the first time in the last 20 years, Russian national football (soccer) team will play in a semi-final of the European Championship.


ВПЕРЕД РОССИЯ!!!

3 weeks and 3 days to the Big Day - we're coming to America.
How do I feel? I'm excited. And I'm scared.
New life - unknown and thrilling - how will it meet me?

I have Kirez to hold my hand, to encourage, to smile :)
And I feel like a child on the Christmas Eve.

The "first ball" :) What if I do the wrong thing? How do I know what is right and what is wrong? What if they will not like me?

I am overwhelmed with thoughts, fears and hopes.

***

Back in 1990, little girl came to the school for the first time in her life. She was proud of her little victory and she wasn't afraid at all...

30+ kids in class. They were together for 5 months by the time little stranger entered their class (I started school not on the 1st of September as all other kids, but somewhere in the middle of the February).

Only now, almost 20 years later, I start to realize what did they give me. My new classmates accepted me as one of them. They always supported and protected me. Like I was everyone's little sister. And I remember so clear their kindness and care. They lead me through these first very difficult days and never left me afterward. For 3 years they became my family. I was the youngest and the smallest in my class. And definitely the happiest :)

***

Now this little girl inside me holds my hand, and smiles, saying that everything will be fine :)



 

Living in the UAE, we were reading the Lonely Planet guide for Oman and all those places seemed to be great goals for travels. Then we didn't have visa (for me) and could only plan and dream, but what happened when we came to live here, in Oman? We're free now to go anywhere - Salalah, Jebel Shams, Ras Al Jins - but suddenly we didn't want this anymore! We've been cruising between Nizwa and Muscat, having great mini-vacation every weekend and we're really happy with this. But now it's time to break the habit. Our departure date is approaching rapidly (yay!) and we started our exploration of Oman. The port city of Sur became our first destination.

The coastal road between Muscat and Sur couldn't promise us anything - we didn't know if we could get through, or would have to turn back halfway there, but this made it only more attractive :) We didn't know what to expect from the city of Sur, and just in case, we packed the car for 2 days of travel. Just the packing was exciting :)

Two hours later than we'd planned we were finally on our way.

The road to Muscat, so familiar... I like this road. The desert and mountains somehow every time look different. I like to look at the window and like how my thoughts are wandering around. Sometimes we're talking, and I love this. But in general I'm probably the worst road companion ever - I can sit silent for many hours, thinking, looking for answers.

First stop - Sultan Qaboos Grand Mosque in Muscat - the biggest mosque in Oman.








It's interesting how in the pictures the minarets seem to bend inward - illusion?

The largest hand-made Persian rug in the world lies in the main prayer room of this Mosque. Arabs really like all 'the biggest, the largest, the tallest, etc.' :)

After a short stop for breakfast we headed South.

Having no idea where the coastal road can take its beginning, we're just guessing, playing with GPS, tiny map in the Lonely Planet guide. Apparently, to get to the actual coastal road, we need to drive through mountains to the small town of Quriyat.
At first I was skeptical about Kirez's idea to videotape the road on the drive. I thought that the reflection in the window would not let us see very clear. I was so wrong! And it's so funny to watch those short videos now - the scenery we see every day now in our computer! And it sure will be a great memory :)

Quriyat appears to be small city with a lot of goats. Goats were everywhere! I never saw that many goats. No, really! They were occupying every piece of shade, leaning to the walls of buildings, fences, standing under the trees...

We didn't stop to take proper photos, but here are some snap-shots from our video:

 

                                                           

No people around. And no signs pointing to the road!
But we did it :) After second tour around the city we finally found it - the coastal road!

The Ocean on one side, desert and mountains on the other. GPS showing that we're driving in the middle of nowhere. And everything is so beautiful! And calm. And we're sitting in the car and eating apples with peanut butter - yum :) And life is good!

We know that the road is still under construction and we'll need to drive in the wadi. How far we'll make it in our car? Guides call for 4WD on this road. But we should try - just go as far as we can. We made it the whole way to Sur :) But this is later. Now heading to Dibab.

On the way to Dibab we couldn't not stop at this place! Gorgeous! The water was so blue and the rocks around were so spectacular. We were standing on the rocks, hanging over the water, and we could hear the waves breaking under our feet!
In places like this I feel so tiny and so free. I love thinking that I'm a part of this beautiful world :)











This road we took to get finally to Dibab:



Dibab is a small fishermen's village. Narrow dirty streets, lazy people sitting out there on the steps next to their houses and doing nothing, goats and sheep.



And just in 2 minutes drive - this amazingly beautiful place (Wadi Tiwi?):





Soon after we passed Dibab we finally hit the road - the real road to Sur! And just several minutes later we're entering the city!

Hmmmm... I don't know what we expected. Same buildings, same 'sales of foodstuff' and 'chickens sales' kind of signs, same people, walking around or sitting outside on the carpets, and kids playing soccer... But at the same time unmistakable 'spirit' of different city.
Sur was the biggest port of Oman one day, and now it is still one of the most important cities in the country.
I'm glad we made it. Even though staying somewhere there for a night was not an option from the very moment we entered the city. We headed back to Muscat in just 20-30 minutes, after we drove around the city, videotaping all we could see around.

We took longer in-land road this time - something new. Very soon sun went down and we finished our ride in the dark. Muscat, then Nizwa.
Home! It's so nice to be home :)

Remembering the first movie I have ever watched in English :) My friend came back from Germany and brought DVD "Moulin Rouge". DVD was bought in Germany, so it didn't have 'russian' option - either German or English. Since Tanya - the girl who brought the DVD - 'knew' only German, and we - my sister and I - only English, after short we decided to watch movie with English sound and German subtitles.

I've got very vague idea of what the movie was about. But it was simply exciting to think that we watched the whole movie in English.

Disaster :)

30 minutes in movie...

- Wait, does anybody know what the name of the main character is?
- No
- No
- Maybe... Duke? I hear this word more often than others?
- I don't have any 'Duke' in my subtitles!
- Huh! Ok...

[As you see we didn't even get the point that mysterious Duke and Ewan McGregor's character are different people]

Another 20 minutes...

[20 minutes of matching sound and subtitles to realize that...]

- No, it's not Duke - Duke is a 'Herzog' in German! 
- So what is his name, then?
- Have no idea! Let's watch.

[And why this obsession with that name? Maybe we thought that this was the minimum we had to get from the movie? I actually don't know if he had any name.]

Heroically we watched it to the end. Understood no English whatsoever but proud of ourselves we 'checked' this movie as 'watched' in our heads.
[At least we learned what the word 'duke' means :)]

It was 4 years ago.

5K is a big challenge for me, and the last time it took me more than 40 minutes to complete the run, so if Kirez was to be at work on time, we had to be at the track by 5:15-5:20 a.m. Nice...

***

The alarm went off at 5:00 a.m. Kirez switched it off and came back to bed. Silence...
Tiny little *hope* started raising its head - "no run, no run, no run!!" Just keep silent - you're asleep...
No-no-no! You didn't mean this! (*hey, he is not sure himself, just keep silent... hold him... nice, comfortable, why leave all this?*)
What? You will run and I will sleep? (*tempting, oh, how tempting!*)

And killing this hope - "I'll run with you!"

***

Ok-ok, I'm up!

***

The distance was cut to 3K for me, this way we'll finish at the same time. Nice weather. Sun just showed up over the mountains.
After almost a year of having my iPod I discovered the function of making 'on-the-go' playlist! Wow! For the first time I was running and enjoying every song I choose to play for this run :)
Several times caught myself on the thought that it IS a nice way to start a day! And 3K after expected 5K - huge relief... Just 7.5 laps.

I never stopped to walk, ran all my 3K in very even speed and finished exactly in 21:00 minutes!

Huh... That is strange! Again the same picture as with my 5K - the 'non-stop' run is slower than when I'm letting myself to walk every now and then.
Kirez is right when saying that my walking speed is not much slower than my jogging speed, which makes the pattern understandable, but what should I do then? It doesn't make sense to stop and walk to get better times for long distance run!

***

Looking at my 4x400m runs times and the progression over time, it's clear that my speed is growing faster than the endurance, the ability to push myself through the whole workout without slowing down dramatically.

23 JAN        2:04 - 2:14 - 2:17 - 2:20
14 APR       1:46 - 1:59 - 2:22 - 2:23

Apparently I should work much more intensive to bring my metcon up.

***

The question is how to make myself strong enough to not be misled with the times I'm showing and continue working on 'non-stop' running even if it is slower.

Me:     I'm going to do a pull-up!
Kirez: What?
Me:     I will do a strict pull up right now!
Kirez: Hey, you better save your strength for the workout!
Me:     Watch me!

And I DID IT :) I was shocked myself, i tried so many times before and I never could complete the movement!

My first pull-up! Ever.

Afterwards, laughing and hugging me,
Kirez: Do you know in how much trouble you're now?

I was too happy to understand the full meaning of these words...
Ok, I agreed - the goal is to do 3 consecutive pull-ups in a 3-weeks time.

3-2-1 GO!

Yesterday we ran again. I couldn't believe when I saw the WOD in the morning! 5K?? Again?!?!  It was so tempting to run just 1 mile - I still didn't measure my time on this distance, but Kirez asked me to run the whole way. He was right, if I can do it, I should. I just really, really didn't want to go through all this pain again. Running days are the only days I wish we had weightlifting workouts - I'd rather do another Fran, or Diane, or any other lifting 'girl'.

2 weeks ago I completed my first 5K in 36 minutes 54 seconds.

Last night, from the very first lap I knew I would not beat that time, I had another goal, which was to run all 12.5 laps without stopping / walking - run all the way to the finish. For this I should have pace myself very accurately. Actually, my dear husband was very surprised, when I said I ran all 12.5 laps without walking, he said: "How? I thought I saw you walking!". That I was running :) Yeah, my speed was probably the same as if I was walking, but I was running!

My previous max non-stop-run time was 25 minutes, I had to best it by at least 15 minutes. By the 9th lap I knew I would do that.

Music, playing on my iPod was certainly not for running, but since it's so difficult to switch between stopwatch and playlists when you're running, especially, when you're trying to time every your lap, I decided to continue. Oh, I really enjoyed my time :) It was such a beautiful night! We ran on the dark stadium, with the moon and stars as the only source of light. This mysterious blue light, so special and so perfect. And music...

-- Beethoven - Moonlight Sonata
-- Sen Sans - Le Cygne
-- Ocean
-- Mozart - Fantasie in D minor
-- In a moment of peace
-- Enya - May It Be
-- Beethoven - Piano sonata N.17 "Storm"
-- Tchaikovsky - Piano concerto N.1
-- Rachmaninov - Piano Sonata N.2

This playlist will be a perfect reading / relaxing / dreaming music, do not try to run with it if time is your goal!

I completed my distance in 40 minutes 52 seconds - 5 minutes worse than 2 weeks ago. But I never stopped and this is an achievement for me bigger than showing a better time. Now I know - I CAN :)

I've just learned my double-unders on the 26^th of January – less than 3 weeks ago, and I was really, really bad at them – I could do 1 DU after 4-8 singles, and after that I was landing in so deep squat that it was impossible to continue even with singles. I knew I need practice, but hey, it's so painful when you're hitting yourself with the rope! I was quitting jumping after 3-4 minutes of trying, delaying it for later, and then for later again.

When I saw today's WOD – 75 snatches – I realized that I should find some substitution – first, I don't have even a shadow of right technique on snatches, second, the lightest weight we have at home is 45 pounds bar – too much for me (yet ;).

So I looked at CFKids – they were doing handstand push-ups, ring-dips and pull-ups – I just did all these yesterday! I'm so incredibly sore after the “Nate” workout! Wow, I forgot what it is like :)

And I headed to the big table with Girls workouts, where I found “Annie”:

50-40-30-20-10 Double-Unders and Sit Ups – exactly what I need for getting better at my double-unders!

I knew that workout would be really hard for me, I actually was ready to do it for an hour and a half at least :) But something's happened – right at the beginning I did several DU in a row! No, not like DU-DU-DU, I did it with 4 singles between them, but it was a progress – I've never done it before. So I continued with a great energy. Since that point I knew that my choice of workout was right – I hit one of my biggest weaknesses and I improved a lot :)

My first injury with CrossFit! Who could think that rope-jumping can cause problems with fingers?

Finishing second round – 40 DU – I looked at my right hand and saw a big lump filled with blood right on the joint of the ring-finger ('knee of the finger', as I called it as a kid :). From constant hitting this poor finger with the rope. We didn't know what it's going to be like after a time, so we decided it's better to remove the ring (i'm wearing the wedding ring on my right hand as everyone in Russia) before the finger get swollen. It was so painful!!! Ouch. Kirez had to use the soap and water to do this.

I also have numerous linear bruises on my forearms – not very nice... Price of my mistakes.

Trying to do these 150 DU I did at least 4 times as much singles. Sit-ups felt like a rest.

I gave this workout 100% of my energy, and I managed to complete it in 30 minutes and 45 seconds! Not great for someone, really bad for others, but for me this was a victory :)

My interview for getting US immigrant visa is scheduled for 25^th of March!

40 days from now :) Woohoo!

Last night we did another "kill yourself" CF workout - "Tabata Something Else".
32 intervals of intensive work for 20 seconds with 10 seconds rest between them.

8 sets of pull-ups
8 sets of push-ups
8 sets of sit-ups
8 sets of squats

I was so enthusiastic from the very morning that I was ready to do it at any time - just say "GO!", but it's so much more fun when we are  working out together! So I waited for Kirez to be ready.

It's funny to see how different we are when it's time to do a WOD :) I want to do it as soon as I can - do it and be free. Kirez is trying to delay every workout as far as he possibly can. Even when he's already in the gym, ready to start, he will hesitate, thinking through the whole workout over and over...

But everything changes when THE RUN is coming.
2 days ago a 10 K was a 'prescription' from CF website. With my heart full of hope I was looking at the window and beg silently this wind storm become stronger! It was getting darker, and whizzing of the wind outside was getting louder and louder, and I finally decided that I can breath out. Honestly, I was ready to substitute this run with another WOD which on my very humble estimation would take me a bit more than 2 hours to complete. I was ready to do anything but not run! Please, not run!!!

I discovered recently that I do like sprints. I like this flying feeling, i really enjoy sensation of moving fast and freely. But I HATE long distance run!!!

That day we changed our parts in this CF-show - Kirez was enthusiastic and ready to go and I was hesitating and trying to find more and more reasons why we shouldn't go :)

CrossFit won - if we decided to follow WODs from their website, we should do it no matter how strong the anticipation to one or another exercise is.

It was the longest run I've ever done. Of course I couldn't even think of running a 10 K, I ran only 5, but, man, it was hard!!! And this was the first WOD after which instead of usual good mood and 'super' power :) - the greatest tiredness came. I needed 10 hours of sleep to recover. And only one little thought made me feel a little bit better - CrossFit doesn't repeat the same WOD more often than once in a month!!! ;)

Anyway, it took me 36 minutes and 54 seconds to complete 12,5 laps (which is Kirez's best result for a 10 K ;).
I'm glad I did it (now, when it's done I can even say - hey, it was good to work on my biggest weakness, but notice the parenthesis and lowered tone of voice - so nobody could hear me :)

So far record of our workouts and results and improvement was kept by Kirez, but seems it's time to say my own word on behalf of CrossFit.
 
For those who know me it will sound strange. Girl who NEVER could even complete 1 km run at school, whose time on 100 m was more like 400 m's of a bad athlete, who couldn't do 3 knees-push-ups in a row, now doing the most brutal of existing fitness trainings and ENJOYING it!

***
A sudden hurricane of thoughts in my mind: Hey, you're not that bad! You always were good in gymnastic... And when you were 4 y.o. you could easily drag sleds with your older sister and her friend... And your ballet training was really not for sissies!.. Ok-ok, you never could throw the volleyball over the net, but you had a good long jump (not the same - who cares? ;) ...

***

CrossFit - not surprisingly - was introduced to me by Kirez. Could I guess that less than 2 months after my first Tabata squats workout I would wake up in the morning and ask my husband - 'What is the WOD for today?'...


Yesterday started with smile. Weekend, woohoo!!! Nice stretching in a bed - as I naively believed just 1 month ago - 'CF exercise' :) (Now I know that 'goodmornings' have nothing to do with morning, and especially good morning, and are the one of most demanding in sense of technique exercises with weight).

Strange - I'm not sore! Still not sore... Wow. After 80 push ups? After 30 clean and jerks? Ok, I guess I'm just lucky :) Definitely it won't last for too long, so - ENJOY!!!


WOD even looks scary. Brain starts scaling it at the same moment as it processes the information:

15 dead-lifts 225 #                >>>  55 #
15 handstand push-ups ... 'unfortunately' now we know how to scale this one! Ok, I'll do it - HSPU progression from the box
15 pull-ups                             >>> minus 60 #
15 thrusters 95 #                   >>> 15# +15#

Hmmm, why people are so unhappy? Oh, 3 rounds, it changes everything :)


When I started workout I was going for 3 rounds of 10 reps of each exercise, but I felt strengths to do more, so I 'rescaled' it back to 15.
I gave all I could to this workout! 

15' 18 " Not bad :)

Not bad if I will forget what Kirez performed just 20 minutes ago! Hey, I'm so proud of him! He is the best!

***

In one of recent letters Dad asked me why am I doing it. He asked just "what for?". What could I say?

CrossFit is not something one does to show him or herself. It's a functional fitness, where at the end of the way (IF there is an end :) you will see what your body AND your mind are really capable of, where you will live the full life outside the limits you set for yourself (looking at the tiny girl in the mirror)...

It's been 2 weeks since I'm here again. Calm, slow, lazy arab world.

+25 in the middle of the winter, green palm trees, sand and rocks.

The mountains look like big dinosaurs  which were fossilized while sleeping. The structure of the rock is so interesting, that it holds your attention for quite a while - stripes, grains.

Sometimes, in the middle of nowhere you see a small village - little boxes of traditional white buildings. And nothing but mountains around.

Omani architecture is incredible. Simple and beautiful. What looks like a pile of cardboard boxes from apart, at approach reveals modest beauty of the middle east. Impossible to catch it all at once! Like an arab woman who hides herself under the abbaya, saving secrets for the only one, every building has its own mystery and charm.

I like Omani mosques. Strange, but i almost don't hear calls for prayer here. I liked it in the UAE, especially at nights. Something mysterious is in these lingering in thick hot air sounds...

Time stops here, dictating lazy, slow, arab rhythm of life.

There was time when I was crazy about PhotoShop and freedom it gives me. Recently I came across the pictures I made, and I wanted to share these 2 with you.

On line translator gave me "The foundling" as a name for the first one, and the second one is called simply "White and fluffy" :)

  

They were my first experience of drawing the hair :)

***

I want to get this back - excitement and pleasure of drawing. I could sit there for hours - doing and redoing some things. I wish I had PhotoShop on my new Mac.

 

Actually, it would be RMLE, but it doesn't matter because we don't have it. 

I always was proud of Russian medical education, I considered it one of the best in the world, and it really is one of the best. But now, looking back, reading for the USMLE I started understand how many things are wrong in our system, how many things should have been changed.

Very good, strong knowledge in all 'basic' subjects - anatomy (every day more than 3 hours per day,  weekends spent in anatomical theater), hystology (nights killed in laboratory with album and crayons - looking - drawing - looking - drawing), 5 hours physiology classes several times a week, microbiology, biochemistry, pathology, pharmacology...
But all these independent from one another! And completely independent from clinic. 

We have an exams, and after exam - huh, it's gone, no anatomy anymore!
Then, in clinical classes we're repeating everything form the very beginning - anatomy, hystology, pharmacology. Wasting time for what we already learned once, and forgot so fast after exam. Wasting time, to forget it again, after we pass the next exam...

Exams like the USMLE let organize the knowledge, see the links, learn to apply theoretical knowledge in clinic. Test structure makes it honest and fair - if you know - you know! Studying first 2 years, knowing, that at the end there's USMLE step 1 helps you to remember, to analyze, to master your knowledge in basic subjects. Step 2 don't let you relax, and force you to remember, what you could forget so easily in other case...

Our exams are really difficult, there was time when I was studying for the exam almost without sleeping for several days, but you know - this is exam in pharmacology - nobody cares about your knowledge in hystology or anatomy, or biochemistry. You know, that this fact will save you from 'side'-questions, and you simply skip several pages in the book. 

If we had it, i'm sure everyone would hate it :) Me too! Students always do. But now, when I'm a doctor already, turning around I see how important and how useful this test is. 

 

Snow is soft, and fluffy. I'm walking in it, without noticing a path nearby. Glee of the child, wide smile and I'm barely keeping inside joyful laughter. Free!

It's dark. Light of the day is gone, and too early for streetlamps. For a long time nobody seemed to be here. Uneven surface of a virgin snow is glimmering slightly in little light. Brushing the very top of the snow with my feet, smiling at snowy 'fountains', I'm feeling happy :)

Thoughts are calm and pleasant. Someone's running. Smiling, remembering Kirez... The couple with big dog. She – dog – stopped and looked at me, but they're continuing walking, and she needs to go. She looked back again, and again. And I smiled, seeing it. Turning around to avoid wind in my face...

Here, when I was child, we were sliding the slope on the sleds. My sled were the fastest of everyone's :) I loved to 'fly' down the slope, bouncing on little hills and cracks, yelling, laughing, happy! Kids around, on sleds, on skis, on pieces of cardboard. Grandmas staying up there, in the beginning of slope, looking worryingly at their falling, rolling down, laughing grandchildren. Looking little bit jealous at parents, young adults, who is sliding with their kids. So happy, so free :)

Now this memory is unusual vivid, here, near that place. I almost hear the sounds of my childhood winter.

Streetlamps magically paint everything from dark blue to mysterious yellowish-pink, adding sparks all over the snow. Shadow is growing and growing, and growing, then suddenly shrinking and starts growing again, as I'm walking down the alley. Frost is making my cheeks a bit numb. So quiet around, I feel alone...

Listening to The Amber Spyglass. Almost the end of the book, Lyra and Will stopped the flow of the Dust, and it's falling down. 'As a snowflakes'. And listening to these words, I see little crystal snowflakes all around me. So beautiful!

And I'm smiling to this snow, to this beauty, to my thoughts.

Still in Nizhnevartovsk, waiting for my passport. 

Kirez's visit filled 4 weeks of this 'Russian imprisonment' with fun, adventures and happiness :) 

Early in the morning (today for most of you, and yesterday for me) he left Nizhnevartovsk, and now he should be several thousands meters up in the air, flying to Dubai. Back to arabian sun and sand, running from boredom of Siberian cold days and fluffy white snow. 

What next? We don't know...

 

I can't remember this very well, because i was too little for anyone even tried to explain the situation to me. But I did live in the USSR and from pieces of my and my parents's and others memories, i know how it was.
Many products were so rare in our country, and of course even more rare in my small, just built town. Somehow people knew when those rare products would appear in that or this store, and they were coming to take their place in a line in the middle of the night! They were staying in the dark, cold winter nights, waiting for store open, they were freezing just to be first (or at least closer to the first), to have a chance to get this 'something'. Sounds so incredible, but sometimes it was the only way to have something more than just potatoes on the table.
People were coming to the store, and to 'document' somehow that they came first, second or fifth, they started those lists - just sheet of paper, with names on it and numbers. Everyone knew the number, people became just numbers in the line. There was some silent agreement, one knew that if he's 35th he would never go 12th or 20th, intelligence of poor people...

I thought this was in the past. Before now, when I met a need to change my passport!
If almost everywhere lines and this lists are died peacefully, in bureaucratic offices it still exists. The office, issuing national Russian passports works from 2 p.m. I, knowing about lines, came at about 11.30, and I put my name on the list under number 33! I was 33rd in the line 2.5 hours before opening!  Woman, who was the first, was there since 7 a.m. Isn't it crazy?!

I have another lines ahead - to get my foreign passport, but 1st step is done!
I have it! My new Russian passport! With my new name :)

So, I'm here again! Back in my hometown - Nizhnevartovsk.
Out of Arabian summer in Siberian fall, from sands of the desert to the mud, covered with the carpet of yellow leaves...

***
I started the name changing process. It turned out to be much more difficult than I expected, and for this moment it's already at least 10 days longer, than I expected :(

faustin was first to post pictures from our hike to Hanging Gardens, but I also have some photos I want to share :)

Recently Kirez let me drive on the road - the REAL road! After 5-6 times of driving on the parking lots and quiet streets with maximum 40 (usually 20 or even less) kph, I found myself in the middle of Al Ain - Dubai road, driving 100 - 110 kph. Oh, poor people, driving behind me in a big truck! I went around them with Kirez's assistance in the very beginning of my way, and now the image of that truck in my mirrors became my "nightmare" - it always was there! Trying too hard to stay on the lane, I was constantly forgetting about speed - so in several minutes it was 100 - 80 - 110 - 75 - 100 - 120... Slowing down, feeling a little bit better, look at the mirror - Oh my god!!! - 80-85-90-95-100-105-110-115... Oh, good, "relax"... I was trying to run away from them :) I was so scared! (I bet they were too ;) Kirez said, that they must think I'm drunk.
Anyway, I did it! (Didn't kill anyone - already good result ;)

It's long time since I was in this journal... I was so excited with my life here, I wanted to share it with my family and friends, so I was focused on my Russian language LJ. I don't know if anybody was reading it, but I felt closer to my usual life, to people, who is big part of my life. And it was so important to me to write in Russian when I cannot speak my language...

More than 2 months I'm in Al Ain, UAE. Life seems to be calm and peaceful. Sometimes I catch myself on the thoughts, that it's like I returned to the time of the USSR - nothing to be scared of, people are friendly and children are so happy and free. Like in my childhood :) When we never locked the door during the day, when we could leave the key under the rug near the door, when we - kids - could play outside all day long, and our parents knew we're ok, even if we didn't know what is cell phone and constant calls to find out where we were... I'm smiling now, writing these words, partly laughing silently at myself, because of the facts I recalled as the mark of my happy childhood :)

I don't really know what I'm going to write about.

There was some decisions made, that change everything to me. It become very clear that with my Russian medical diploma I can work as a doctor in Russia, but no where else. So we - Kirez and I - decided that I will take the USMLE - US medical licensing examination - in the near future. And i started studying. Everything, that I once learned in Russian, now I'm studying from the very beginning in English. It's not easy to organize myself and make myself studying when I know that I have at least 6 months before the exam... Especially that I used to prepare for the exam on the last few days. But this time it won't work, unfortunately - to repeat something before the exam, I have to learn this something first.

I want to say here that I have the most supportive husband one can dream of :) Due to his help and understanding I have an opportunity to do my best for these exams.

I still want to work on stem cell therapy research and I will continue on this way.

Oh, Kirez started teach me how to drive! I know It can sound strange, but I never before even tried to drive. I think he thought it would be easier... Sorry ;)

Soon I have to return to Russia for at least 1 month. I need my passports changed and unfortunately I have to be in Russia during this period of time. Good about it - I will be with my family, bad - another month-long parting with Kirez. I'm changing my name, and soon I will 'legally' become Natalia Reynolds :)

Richard Marx and Donna Lewis

At the beginning

We were strangers
Starting out on a journey
Never dreaming
What we'd have to go through
Now here we are
And I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you

No one told me
I was going to find you
Unexpected
What you did to my heart
When I lost hope
You were there to remind me
This is the start

Life is a road
And I want to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road
Now and forever
Wonderful journey

I'll be there
When the world stops turning
I'll be there
When the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

We were strangers
On a crazy adventure
Never dreaming
How our dreams would come true
Now here we stand
Unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you

Life is a road
And I want to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road
Now and forever
Wonderful journey

I'll be there
When the world stops turning
I'll be there
When the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

I knew there was somebody somewhere
Like me alone in the dark
Now I know my dream will live on
I've been waiting so long
Nothing's gonna tear us apart

Life is a road
And I want to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road
Now and forever
Wonderful journey

I'll be there
When the world stops turning
I'll be there
When the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

Life is a road and I wanna keep going
Love is a river I wanna keep going on....
Starting out on a journey
Life is a road and I wanna going
Love is river I wanna keep flowing
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you.

Another step is over. I'm a doctor Endocrinologist :)

Today was the second step of my final exam in the specialty of Endocrinology.

Residency is completed!

***

After the exam I met my little patient from children's hospital. I was working with this 3-year-old boy on January. His weight in his 3 years was 42 kg (92,5 pounds)! Every day for three weeks I was talking to his mom for hours, trying to explain, to motivate... And today, 4 months later, I can see the real effect :) He is TWICE thinner now! By the way, his mom lost a lot of her weight too ;)
I'm so glad for them both! I'm happy to know, that my words work :) And it must be said, the mom did a really good job!

The cases like this one make words 'I am an Endocrinologist' sound rightfully and proudly to me :) I am an Endocrinologist!

What I wrote at the end of my previous entry -- about home -- made me wanting to write more carefully what I meant.

I was born in Nizhnevartovsk, and I was less than 1 year old, when we moved to the apartment, where I'd been living for the next 15 years. When I was 16 I left my parents' house and moved to Tomsk. The first year in Tomsk I was renting an apartment together with my sister and my friend. Since 2nd year we've been living (my sister and I) in our own small apartment, where I'm still living now (and have been living alone -- without sister -- for the last 3 years).

Now I'm smiling remembering how difficult it was to live so far from NIzhnevartovsk, from place, that was my home. Yeah, now I'm not afraid to write - WAS - because it is not anymore. Now it is my parents' home.

So, I left my parents' house when I was 16. I didn't know how to live! I knew nothing about this life. And every half a year, returning home - to Nizhnevartovsk - was something so long-awaited and so wonderful. I remember calendars with circled date of trip to Nizhnevartovsk and "ritual" of crossing the next day from "days left" every evening. It was so important!

But little by little I was getting used to live far from my parents, from my home. It was strange, when the first time I caught myself thinking that it's OK if I won't take an airplane ticket for the closest possible day, that coming home I wasn't anymore jumping around the apartment, trying to find every single change that's happened without me, that leaving Nizhnevartovsk I was not anymore trying to remember every corner, every street...  I began call the apartment in Tomsk - home...
At first I was scared, but then I realized that everything is going how it has to go.

Now when I go to Nizhnevartovsk it's different. The last 2-3 years, I'm not  coming home, but coming visit my parents. I became a guest there. I feel like a guest.
Everything is so different from what I used to see there! Nothing left. Just walls.

-- I don't know why I wrote the next paragraph, but this memory  came to me and I wanted to share it.

When my dog was alive, I remember, every morning we used to sit together in the living room. Mom and Dad were at work, my sister was sleeping or she was in Tomsk. And we - Jessie and I - were sitting in the living room. She was waiting for me every morning. And when I came and I sat on the sofa, and she laid her chest and her forelegs on my lap, leaving her back legs on the floor. We could be sitting like this for hours... She was sleeping on my lap, while I was stroking her back and funny "square" head :)
Maybe this is strange, but that is what I'm missing more than anything else from my being home. Since Jessie died it's different.

--

There was scary period when I "lost" home... no, feeling of being home in Nizhnevartovsk. And in Tomsk I had just place to live, that I called home but didn't put "the right" meaning in this word. I felt lonely. I lost myself. I wanted to run away, to escape. I wanted to find place where I belong, where I will feel home.

I was wrong, because I didn't know what makes "place to live" home. I didn't know, that home is not a place, but feeling of your belonging to this place.

Now, here in Tomsk, I again can feel this gladness of coming home. Now, here in Tomsk, I have someone to return to, what makes me feel that I have home. And I am happy now, because it feels so right :)

Morning began with wonderful smell penetrating into my half-dream. I wrapped into the blanket and went to the kitchen. Sunday - Kirez making pancakes. Good morning :)

***

I like baking pancakes. And I am good at it. I like to do it for Kirez :) I likeD...

Once Kirez ask me to show him how I am doing that, and since then he never let me do it again.

You won't believe! The very first time he made it, he did it better than I'd been doing for years! Wow! That was amazing.
I'm still surprised :)

I don't know when it became a tradition; when appeared this: "Do we have everything we need to make pancakes? Tomorrow is Sunday!"
Yeah, every Sunday -- for months already -- in the morning Kirez bakes pancakes for us.
I like to stay near and look at him. And even more I like waking up from jingles and steps in the kitchen, knowing that soon Kirez will come to wake me up.
I like that he doesn't let me help him. And I like to see him smiling, when he's looking at the next perfectly made pancake :)

It makes me feel so cozy and comfortable. It makes me feel home. (Strange, that I wrote it. I AM home, but since recently, it seems, that this word -- home -- became to mean more than just 4 walls to me. It was like that before, when I lived with my parents, but after I left, "home" was just a place. Till recently.)

I love Sundays!

Wow, I still remember this!

*****************************************

I'm a Wizard, I'm a Warlock

I'm a wizard, I'm a warlock,
I'm a wonder of the age.
I'm a sorcerer, magician,
prestidigitator, mage.

I can change into a chicken,
or perhaps a purple pig.
I can wave my wand and, presto,
I'm a waffle with a wig.

With the power in my pinky
I can burst like a balloon
or transform into a tiger
with the head of a baboon.

If I wiggle on my earlobe
or I knock upon my knee
I become a dancing doughnut
or a turtle in a tree.

Just a simple incantation
and I deftly disappear,
which I never should have done
because I've been this way all year.

And despite my mighty magic
I'm impossible to see,
for I never learned the spells I need
to turn back into me.

--Kenn Nesbitt

*****************************************

Once I was sitting alone in front of the computer. I felt so lonely! I had nothing to do and, really, I didn't want to do anything. I was rambling through the Internet, reading random stuff. And I saw this poem and I read it once... twice... and I understood that it was in my head. I've learned it by heart :) This was just the way to spend my time.
It was in the middle of January.

Several days later I forgot about this poem. I never saw it again. Never tried to remember it.

Till today.
I was cleaning the kitchen when I started remembering - line after line. And I remember it!

*****************************************

I like this feeling when little by little I start reconstruct tiny little pieces of information which was stored somewhere so deeply inside the memory.

Once I was preparing for the exam. I took a break and was playing synthesizer. Suddenly I remembered about one melody I used to play when I was 8 or 9 years old. I recalled it! The whole piece :) I was trying again and again until I could play the whole thing.

Wonderful feeling of childlike glee :)

I have been waiting for this day for so long.

Strange, how can I feel so strongly about just date? It means so much to me.
I was waiting for something special...
From myself.
I wanted to do something really, really special. I was planning so much, I had so many ideas...
And I forced myself to keep this to myself only.

Today moment by moment I "lived through" the same day, but a year ago. These were the best moments of today.
I remember everything.
I was smiling.

A week ago I finished the "Atlas Shrugged"! Woohoo! :)

***

Today, at the clinic, while waiting for my patients, I've learned what is the angle of attack and why the plane stalls :)

"Stick and Rudder"

Strange, I never even drove the car, but I can imagine everything - every movement, every action - that Wolfgang Langewiesche described. I can imagine myself in this plane that mushing now, and cruising then. I can imagine what I have to do, even without knowing what I can see inside the plane.

I want to fly.

Since I was 10 years old the sky is my dream. No, Dream.
The sky is freedom. And loneliness. And serenity. And Friend.

Only big passenger liners so far... Heh :( And still I love to fly!

I love to look at the clouds when flying.
I love when the plane flies in the clouds, when I can see its speed and power.
I love to think that I am somewhere in the middle of the air.
I feel safe and certain.

***

I won't let that Dream to disperse in nowhere!

Gornaya Shoriya - small region somewhere in South Siberia, where Altai meets Sayani.
Mountains, Taiga, snow, sunshine...

Three days of a wonderful rest. Far away from Tomsk and it's muddy gray streets, far away from gloomy mean people.
Like a different world.

***

Everything was so new for me, so strange... I never even saw these skis before, I didn't know why everyone walks like a robot-transformer in these boots, I didn't know what to do at the tow rope and how to take a seat on the chairlift (and how to stand up from this seat!).
I looked at the little kids, skiing so fast and so confident. I looked at their parents who were not afraid to take them at the very top of the mountain.
Oh my God! Can I do it?!!

I did :)

***

Hey! Why everyone is so unhappy  with 5th floor, where we live? Such a big deal - to go up- and downstairs!
I understood after I put MY boots on :) Robot-transformer? At your service! ;) You just cannot move your ankle or any joints in your foot. Your knees is always bended - and don't even try to stay straight!
Now, take your skis in your hand. Remember how light was cross-country skis you used to use? Forget it! It's better to put skis on your shoulder - too heavy.
Oh, don't forget poles. And klack - klack - klack...

***

Ok, skis are on, I'm on the slope, Kirez - my personal instructor - is near.
What next? Try to ski...
All right! Falling down because skis are really fast!  Unexpectedly...

"V - turn - V -turn - V - turn", - said Kirez.
"V - turn - OhMyGodItIsSoFastICanNotStopWhatTooooDooooooooo - fall down!", - did I :)

***

Ready to the first independent ride?
- Kirez, you can ski this way, and I will go this way, and we can meet at the bottom, ok?
- Are you sure?
...

I WAS sure before I turned round the trees :-\

"Hey, No! Not so fast, please, not so fast!.. There are trees in front of me!!! What to do?!! WhatTooooooooDoooooooooo!!"
Oh, how safely it is - to sit on the snow :)

- Do you need help? - some unknown guy smiling at me with evident understanding of my level in his eyes.
- Yes, please :)

This was the first from... 4 :-D falls on this first independent (almost ;) ride.

***

Me? Chairlift?? To the top?! Are you kidding?

He was serious! I'm sitting on the chair. Oh, look at this mountain! What will I do? Can I ride the same chair down? :)

***

I'm standing on the slope. My skis parallel to the slope. Safely...
I'm looking down and I see very steep part of my way.
I have to do it, there is no other ways - I have to go down.
There? HOW?
Impossible!

V - turn - V - turn...

Every turn is an achievement! Every turn is pure elation. Every turn is 1 - 1,5 meters less left to ski...

What am I doing here?..
Why I'm so happy when I am scared to death?

You'd have to try to understand it truly :)

This snow, this sunshine, this wind... Just amazing :)

***

I don't know how many times I wrecked on my way down.

Now my legs are shaking. I see Kirez and I know - I DID IT!!!
I want to laugh, I want to cry.
Powerless I leant my head against Kirez's shoulder...
I'm smiling.

Oh, man, it is worthy of it!

***

Second day. Chairlift is an old good friend. Ok, now I have to stand up and just push myself away from it... Now... now... Hey! I'm still in the chair and it turned back!!! Kirez!!! Ok, man stopped chairlift for me...

...

Second day. Chairlift... Stand near, wait for the chair, sit down and enjoy! 
My skis caught on the ground and unfastened! Now it's laying down on the snow, when I'm on the chain, in the air! What to do?

- Jump! Jump! Jump!

Are they serious? I looked down, I saw the ground in about 1 meter under me, I decided that if they are telling me to jump, so it's 'normal' practice in situations like this.
I jumped.
Still feel stupid for this.

...

Second day. Chairlift ;) Kirez has an unlimited number of rides on the chairlift. We didn't want to pay for the next one for me.
We were caught trying to use Kirez's personal pass for both of us :-D

***

Third day. Why we are leaving today? I don't want to!!! Now, when I can do it, when I can ski!
Can I?
Remember this slope, that you were always avoiding since the first day? 2 attempts and both are just incredibly bad. First one - I tried to WALK down in my skis. Second one - whoooosh! - never it was so fast - 300 - 350 meters on my stomach :-D
So... Can I?
I couldn't leave without making an attempt to ski this slope.
I did it! I'd never fell!

*
*
*

I still see snow and mountains when I closed my eyes.
I still feel this sun and the wind.

So wonderful feeling... I'm happy :)

12:49:17  02/05/06

... In America, i have THE BEST book you can possibly read on flying – the best ever written on the subject. We have to get it for you...

01:21:35  03/05/2006

... It make take me a long time, but i will get it for you. For buttertash! ...

***

We were sitting in the horrible stolovaya in TGU. Kirez was unpacking his package.
- I'm happy with this book... And with this one too... I have magazines...
...

He smiled.
He took my hand and kissed it.
And asked:
- Ready for something special?

I knew what he was talking about :) But still it was so magic moment!

***

"Stick and Rudder"

He did it! It took him almost a year to get it, but he did it :)

***

Thank you, darling.

It's 3.15 a.m. here now when I'm starting write this entry.

Don't want to sleep. I want... but for some reason I can't.

***

Tried to read.
John Galt speech... Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand.

Wow! That's great :) "Only" 50 pages left, but it seems that these 50 pages will be more difficult than previous 930 :)
I'm struggling to understand every single word and every sentence. You cannot read this speech with hope, that context will help you to understand. It's so annoying to look up at the dictionary every second word! Just to be sure that I got it.
But that is really great. That's amazing! This feeling, when I realize that I understand... I'm smiling :)

I'm fighting with 4-5 lines for 20-30 minutes. I know already, that if I read next 1-2 pages I will find explanation. So I need to read  the next 2-3 pages, then return to the beginning and start again.

You can say I'm insane, but I really enjoy it :)

***

So many thoughts.

I want to find the way to organize them, but they're too big, too "many-sided", and every one of them is followed by the whole cascade of even more complicated thoughts.

How I want to be free!
From these thoughts, my uncertainty, first of all...

How I want just to leave this place! To run away. Without looking back.

***

3.50... I'm going to bed.

***

This is the last what I have read tonight:

"My morality, the morality of reason, is contained in a single axiom: existence exists - and in a single choice: to live. The rest proceeds from these. To live, man must hold three things as the supreme and ruling values of his life: Reason - Purpose - Self-esteem. Reason, as his only tool of knowledge - Purpose, as his choice of the happiness which that tool must proceed to achieve—Self-esteem, as his inviolate certainty that his mind is competent to think and his person is worthy of happiness, which means: is worthy of living. These three values imply and require all of man's virtues, and all his virtues pertain to the relation of existence and consciousness: rationality, independence, integrity, honesty, justice, productiveness, pride."

It's setting thinking, isn't it?

When half a year ago Kirez showed this game to me I couldn't thought I would someday say that I love it. But that's it - I love this game.
I play it when I'm tired from work, when i want to relax, when i want to forget about something for a while, want to think, to be alone...

When we started play scrabble, I was sitting near, looking Kirez playing, and maybe sometimes, very rare, I could make some short (or long) and almost unworthy words.
I never thought that time will come when I will play at give-away with CPU :) But about 1 month ago I found myself making shorter words, those cost less, than I can get, just for CPU was not so far behind me, for I knew I need to think thoroughly and make good words for I could win.

I've learned  secrets, those let me score really high with only 2-3-letters words.
I love to see that so short words works so well :)
I love to make words using all my tiles, that gives me 50 bonus points.

Recently I switched to the 2nd level. I returned to almost what it was in the very beginning - every "YOU WIN" was so pleasant for me :)

It's strange to play this game and don't know meanings for almost half of the words I'm making :)
I read a lot in English and I know very well how words are spelled. I can correct spelling just looking at the word and seeing that "something is wrong" - i know how it looks like when it's spelled right.
I also can "make up" words, based on other words.
And of course, I'm too lazy to take the dictionary and look up what does this word mean :)
Maybe this is bad for my English, but I'm playing for pleasure.
I really like to see this "YOU WIN" line ;)

When I was a little girl, disparity in years between me and my sister was so noticeable. She is 1,5 year older than me and I always followed her example. I wanted to be as equals with her, i wanted to be as smart as she was, i wanted to play her games with her friends. I wanted to do everything as she does.

I was proud of her. I remember what i felt telling someone about my sister :)

Now I understand that it was for her when I always was near, when I was following her everywhere, when I meddled in her games and conversations with her friends...

I was a horrible kid :-D When she wanted to go for a walk with Alla - her best friend - I always went with them. When I saw that they didn't pay attention to me I tried to attract them. I could pretend that I fell down, or something else... And I was satisfied when they started to do something to make me feel better. But soon they started play together again! And I (I can't believe I did it!)... I sneaked off! I went home and I told mom that they don't want me to play with them, that they deserted me, that they... And of course Lena - my sister - had a lot of trouble because of it, when I was sitting in the kitchen, eating my kasha, and smiling listening how mom telling her that she cannot behave like this!

I always thought that I'm very strong. And very heavy!!! (it's when everybody said that I'm so lean, that i can be gone with the wind!) Why? Due to Lena and Alla!

Oh, that is another story :) In the winter we liked to walk with sleds.  Each one of us had her own sled, and when we didn't go to the big ice-hill, we liked to sled each other.
Lena and Alla took the rope of my sled and... dragged me for a while, constantly telling that this is so difficult, that I'm so heavy...  I was a kind kid also, not just horrible :) I didn't want to see them suffering! Especially that I knew that I could pull them both easily. And I wanted to show them that I can! And they both sat in their sledges, I took two ropes and pulled them! They talked to each other, telling from time to time that I'm very strong. These words "whipped" me up and I was ready to pull them all day over :)

Yes, this another fact about me - I loved to hear something good about myself!

Maybe after I understood that I'm so "strong" - stronger than Lena, I decided, that I'm also smarter. And fact, that Lena was at school already, and I was in the kindergarten yet, mattered nothing to me! I decided that I'm smarter and can do everything much better than Lena.
Mom sometimes gave us a little dictation - to improve our grammar skills. And always, when I saw my "stupid" sister wrote "dictation" on the top of her paper, I wrote "dEctation" on mine - just because I was so smart :-D

One day I decided that this is just crying injustice that so smart girl like me still in the kindergarten. I didn't think too much of it, I solved this problem. I went to my teacher and said that mom and dad said that they want me to go to school. She wrote a note to my parents asking them come to meet her - just what I needed! When mom asked why teacher wants to see them, I said that she wants me to go to school :-D

SO, I went to school a weak later! Woohoo! ;)

I was the smallest and the youngest girl in the class. Everyone tried to protect me. I even never went to school, or returned from school alone - girls, who lived near, attended me all the time :)

I think this rivalry with my sister made me doing my best to be the best in my class. I did it. From 5th to 9th grades I had only highest marks in the year, and only one "4" among highest ("5") in 10th and 11th years.

Funny, that only after 9th year of school I suddenly realized, that Lena is not "stupid", that she is smart and at some point even smarter than me! ME!!! Wow! :) That was a progress.

After 11th grade I took my examination for the university.
In Russia you can get education for free - if you got high score on exams, or you can pay for your study - if your exams' score was not  high enough.
I've got 32,5 from 37. For free education I needed 34.
I failed.
Yes, my parents paid for the first year of my education.
I didn't give up, i continued to do my best here in university. I took the same entrance exams next summer. And got 36.
This was my victory. No... Victory!
I didn't repeat first year course, I went to the next year with my mates. But since that my education I was getting for free.

I have graduated with the highest score possible. And with gold medal.

I was really proud of myself.
And I am still proud :)

I think I could write here much more, but right now I will stop. Someday I will continue.

http://2-lya.livejournal.com/1677.html


Why friend of yesterday, today goes by?
Why this happens, that after you found the courage to have confiding conversation with close friend,
after you entrusted all of yourself to him,
after you gave him what you were saving so carefully in the depth of your memory for many, many years,
after you took off, one by one, the fetters of past years, and gave him the very clean, defended with nothing, part
of your heart,
suddenly you remain alone?
At some instant you remain tete-a-tete with your robbed, ravaged soul...
And what can fill this emptiness?!!
And how to force yourself to belief, that yesterday is only a good, bright dream... And that reality
is lain in 10 so empty and so meaningful letters: l-o-n-e-l-i-n-e-s-s...

She is a little bit strange.
She is, maybe, too right.
She loves loneliness.
She is extremely optimistic.
She is romantic.
She wants to be happy and knows that she will.
She dreams about the sky.

She cannot manage her emotions.
She cries with reason and without.
Her imagination sometimes plays a mean joke on her,
                                                        bringing her to emotional explosion...

Sometimes she thinks that this:
"Part of that Power which would
The Evil ever do, and ever does the Good." - is about her!

She is one who cannot betray, because betrayal is the only one thing she cannot forgive.
She prefers bitter truth to sweet lie, because lie is betrayal for her.

She doesn't know limits in her love.

She loves to overcome herself.
She loves to know that she is strong.

She IS strong!
She cannot do even 1 full push-up, she gasps after 10 minutes run...
Her strength is in her heart.

She is smart.

She is not "one of..." but just "one".

She loves to see someone's happiness.

She gives, not asking for return.

She desperately needs to be loved, understood and appreciated.

She is just a girl. One little girl in a big world.
She believes, that this world is her friend.
And she is ready to meet it.

She smiles.
She is smiling :)

                          
                           ... что есть красота
И почему ее обожествляют люди?
Сосуд она, в котором пустота,
Или огонь, мерцающий в сосуде?
 
                               (Николай Заболоцкий, "Некрасивая девочка")

********************************************************************************

                               (Nikolai Zabolotskiy, "An Ugly Girl")

                   ... what is beauty
   And why do people deify it?
   Is it an empty jug,
   Or fire, that's glimmering in the jug?

Why I remember this so well?

Little Belorussian village - Понемонь. Great-grandma's house.
Evening. Kerosene lamp. Old record player...
"Одинокая гармонь"...

Снова замерло все до рассвета,
Дверь не скрипнет, не вспыхнет огонь.
Только слышно на улице где-то
Одинокая бродит гармонь...

I'm a little girl. I'm sitting on the bench and listening to this song... Mom is scrubbing a floor and I smell wet wood...

***

I loved my great-grandma's house.
I loved bridge across the Neman. You walk on it and it sinks under your steps, and your legs are in water...
I loved apple trees and red currant bushes in the garden...
And crystal clear ice-cold water from the well...
I loved oaks with nests of storks on it...

Where is all this now?

"I could die for you. But I couldn't and wouldn't live for you"
                                                                                (Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead")

Why I remembered this quotation today?

These words, when I'd read it the first time, stunned me. I stopped.
I thought a lot about it.

What is right? Is THIS right?

Anyway, it changed my mind. Only mind, though...

***

Why am I tied so tightly to everything I love?
What gives me right to think, that if I agree to live for something, it means that I have to be one to be lived for?

***

What makes me so possessive?
I'm going crazy when I see that something "mine" are not "only mine", I'm going mad when something "mine" has to be shared...
I can be very strong, I can bear so much more than many others, but all this become nothing when I'm blind with this possessiveness!

I don't want to be like this!
I don't want to be SO possessive!
I want to be wise enough to know the difference.

***

Is this just me "the way I am"?
Is this my fault?
Can I change it? Should I change it?